When I was a child, I never shied away from taking risks. When I was told not to swim in the adult pool until I’d taken lessons, I dove straight into the deepest corner of that pool the moment my mother turned her back. When I was told not to venture out into the woods behind our family home, the first thing I did the next day was disappear into the trees after my father had left for work. I enjoyed testing boundaries and had no fear of injury or death. Like many other boys my age, I thought myself as invincible as the strongest and bravest comic book heroes of my youth.
But one day, when I was about 9 years old, I felt a sneeze coming on during class. As soon as I felt it burrowing up the back of my throat, I did what any good Catholic boy would do; I placed my hands over my mouth and let nature take its course.
What followed was a perfectly normal sneeze. It sounded normal. It felt normal. In fact, everything about it was normal — except for the tiny speck of blood that appeared in the palm of my right hand.
At that moment, something went terribly wrong. I sat in my desk, overwhelmed with a fear that I’d never felt before. My mind was racing at the speed of light, and my heart wasn’t far behind it. I panicked, glanced up at my teacher, darted across the room toward her desk, and begged her to let me go to the nurse’s office. She obliged me, but with just enough hesitation to communicate her disappointment and frustration with my out-of-character behavior. And I understood, even at my young age, that I was overreacting.
Yet for some inexplicable reason, I couldn’t stop myself.
I was experiencing an existential dread that made no sense to me at all. I knew I wasn’t going to die, but I felt like I was already dying. I knew I wasn’t acting rationally, but I felt certain that I was doing what any rational person would do in my place.
The nurse seemed at first to be much more sympathetic to my situation than my teacher had been. She listened calmly as I explained what happened and showed her the speck of dried blood on my palm. She then asked me a few standard questions, took my temperature, and told me she’d return in a minute or two before exiting the room and gently closing the door behind her.
And return she did, but with the notoriously strict Sister Anne — the school principal — in tow.
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